SUNDAY SCRIBBLINGS - #203 - "When Hell Freezes Over!"

“Lou! Get up!” the small man with the sharp accent shouted, as he banged on the large stone door. “You need to see this!”

The leader of his not-so-free world rolled over in his gigantic bed – a slab of granite lying on the red-clay floor. He raised himself up on his elbows, looked across the room to the door, and screamed, “Go away, Adolf!”

“You have to see this, Master! Look out your window!”

Lou sighed loudly then swung his legs around until his feet touched the floor.

“This better be important,” he said as he flipped the latch and opened his door, allowing his hyper assistant to come scurrying into the room.

“I was deep into a delicious nightmare,” he continued, rubbing his head with both hands, his fingers slithering around his blood-red horns like snakes around a fence pole. “I was out with Manson’s gang again last night and I need to finish my resting time.”

“Look!” Adolf said, pointing to the window.

Lou raised his eyes and the skin on his face tightened. Even from twenty feet away from the window, he could see something strange, and white, flickering and falling from the sky.

“Jesus Christ…” he mumbled.

“Lou!”

“What Adolf? I can’t take his name in vain? Seriously? Are you kidding me?”

“Sorry, Master,” Adolf said, rubbing his mustache with thumb and forefinger. “Sometimes I forget where I am, even still after all these years.”

“Oh their God!” Lou shouted when he reached the window. “What the here is that?”

Snow was falling heavily, gathering atop a frozen river, dark red lava barely visible just under the surface.

“We’re frozen over! Impossible!” Lou screamed. “Okay, let me think…First of all, get all those suicide bombers up here to start shoveling off my sidewalk!

“He he he he…seventy virgins, my ass!” he snickered. “Stupid fucks – no God tolerates that cowardly shit. Never mind reward it…Only I can appreciate it.”

“So, do you think God did this?” Adolf asked, still staring out at the snow in disbelief.

“JC? Nah…he has no power down here – never will – it’s in the bylaws.”

“So what do we do?” Adolf asked, following the much larger man over to a huge slate desk with multiple, strange looking, computer monitors spread out upon it.

“Get a few others in here,” Lou commanded. “Let’s check the usual suspects. There are certainly only a few events that can cause this.”

“I’ll get my best men on it,” Adolf said. “By the way, have you thought about my request?”

“About a full-time personal assistant for you?”

“Yes, Master.”

“I’ve told you. Cheney is not going to keep surviving every heart attack he has. Eventually he’ll make it down here, and then he’s yours.”

“Isn’t there anything you can do to speed that up, sir? I’m really buried with paperwork. I haven’t had time to torture anyone firsthand in months.”

“I know, I know,” Lou said, patting the diminutive man’s shoulder. “It is regrettable, but hey, that’s management.”

Lou tucked his tail in under his legs and sat down at his desk. He began clicking away at the keyboard.

“I’m going to make a list of things for you and your men to check – we need to get to the bottom of this,” he told his assistant. “Number one – check in to see if the bookmark has moved on that book that George W has kept on his nightstand since he was twelve. If he ever finishes a book, were finished down here, for good!”

“Got it, sir. What else?”

“What month is it up there?” Lou asked.

“March, I think.”

“Hmmm…okay, forget that one then. I thought for a second the Cubs might have won the World Series. You remember the blizzard we had back in 04 thanks to the Red Sox? Jeeeeesh…I get a chill every time I think of it.”

“Yeah, I always thought we were safe from that one,” Adolf said. “The pigs flying around made it even creepier!”

“Okay, I also want you to check on the…the…wait a minute, what is this?”

“What is it sir?”

“Oh shit!” Lou shouted. He pounded the desk with both hands. “CNN is reporting that the US Congress actually passed a Healthcare Reform Bill!”

“WHAT!?”

“I know, my friend,” Lou said getting up from his desk. “That was one of the big ones. Get my long johns out of storage. I’m afraid we’re in for a long winter...”